Breaking the Cycle: How to Regulate Emotions and Stop Reacting from Past Wounds
In my R.E.L.E.A.S.E. Method, the first step is Regulating Emotions—because without emotional regulation, it’s nearly impossible to think clearly, communicate effectively, or make decisions that align with your values. But true emotional regulation isn’t just about calming down in the moment—it’s about recognising where your reactions come from and learning to respond instead of react.
Why Do We React Instead of Respond?Imagine someone criticises you at work, and suddenly your heart races, your stomach clenches, and you feel like you need to defend yourself—or leave the room. The intensity of your reaction might seem over-the-top for the situation. That’s because your brain isn’t just responding to the moment; it’s responding to every similar moment in your past.
🔹 The Brain’s Emotional BlueprintFrom childhood, we develop emotional blueprints based on our experiences. If you grew up feeling unheard, dismissed, or criticised, your nervous system has stored that as a threat. So when something happens that even slightly resembles those past experiences, your brain shifts into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode—even when the actual threat isn’t there.Emotional regulation is about updating that blueprint so you’re not constantly reacting to the past.
Step 1: Recognise Emotional Triggers in Real Time
You can’t regulate what you don’t notice. One of the first exercises I encourage my clients to try is tracking emotional triggers using a simple journal or note on their phone.Ask yourself: ✔ What situations cause an emotional reaction? (e.g., feeling ignored, being criticised, someone raising their voice) ✔ Where do you feel it in your body? (tight chest, racing heart, tense jaw) ✔ What thoughts come up? ("They don’t respect me." "I’m failing." "I need to defend myself.")
📌 Pro Tip: Instead of judging your reaction, simply observe it. The goal is to notice without shame—because awareness is the first step toward change.
Step 2: Teach Your Nervous System a New Response
Once you can identify your triggers, the next step is teaching your body and brain that you are safe. Emotional regulation isn’t just about “thinking differently”—it’s about physically shifting your nervous system out of a stress response so you can think clearly.
Try these in-the-moment techniques when you feel emotionally flooded:
✅ Box Breathing – Inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4, exhale for 4, hold for 4. Repeat until your body relaxes. ✅ Grounding Exercise – Name 5 things you see, 4 things you feel, 3 things you hear, 2 things you smell, 1 thing you taste. This brings you back to the present. ✅ The 90-Second Rule – Science shows emotions last for about 90 seconds unless we mentally keep them going. If you can ride out that first minute and a half without reacting, the feeling will often pass.
Over time, the more you regulate in the moment, the more your brain rewires itself to respond rather than react.
Step 3: Shift Your Internal Narrative
Emotional regulation isn’t just about calming down—it’s about shifting the stories we tell ourselves about what’s happening. 🔹 If your partner doesn’t text back, do you immediately assume they’re losing interest—or can you reframe it as they’re just busy right now? 🔹 If a friend cancels plans, do you hear “I’m not important”—or can you tell yourself “This isn’t about me”? 💡 Your brain is constantly filling in gaps with assumptions from past experiences. But when you change the story, you change the emotional response.
📌 Try This: Next time you feel emotionally triggered, ask: ✔ What’s another possible explanation for this? ✔ If my best friend was in this situation, what would I tell them? ✔ Is this thought based on my past or my present?
Step 4: Practise Daily Regulation, Not Just Crisis Management
The most regulated people aren’t those who just “breathe through” their emotions when they feel overwhelmed—they’re the ones who build emotional resilience daily so they don’t get as overwhelmed in the first place. 💡 Daily Practices for Long-Term Emotional Regulation: ✔ Movement – Yoga, walking, stretching—anything to release stored tension ✔ Mindfulness & Reflection – Journaling, self-check-ins, therapy ✔ Emotional Processing – Talking things out instead of bottling them up ✔ Healthy Boundaries – Saying no to things that drain you When you make emotional regulation a daily practice, stressful situations don’t feel as intense because your nervous system has a higher baseline of calm.
Final Thoughts: Breaking the Cycle for Good Emotional regulation isn’t about suppressing emotions—it’s about learning to experience them fully without letting them control you. 💬 If you find yourself constantly feeling triggered, overwhelmed, or reactive, you’re not broken—you’re just operating on an old emotional blueprint. And the good news? It can be rewritten.
📩 Need support in breaking free from emotional patterns that no longer serve you? Reach out to start your journey towards emotional regulation, self-trust, and healthier relationships.
18 APRIL 2024
What to Expect from Counselling: A Guide for Beginners
Embarking on the journey of counselling can be both daunting and empowering. If you're considering counselling for the first time but feel unsure or anxious about what to expect, you're not alone. In this blog post, we'll provide a comprehensive guide for beginners, outlining what counselling is, what to expect during your sessions, and how counselling can support your journey towards healing and growth.
Understanding Counselling: Counselling is a collaborative process between you and a trained therapist, focused on exploring and addressing your thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. Counselling provides a safe and confidential space for you to express yourself openly, without fear of judgment or criticism. Your therapist will work with you to identify and understand your challenges, set goals, and develop strategies for coping and thriving.
The Counselling Process: Your first counselling session, often called an intake session, will involve an initial assessment where you and your therapist will discuss your reasons for seeking counselling, your goals, and any relevant background information. Subsequent sessions will focus on exploring your thoughts and feelings, identifying patterns or triggers, and developing practical strategies for coping and moving forward.
What to Expect During Sessions: During counselling sessions, your therapist will provide a supportive and non-judgmental environment where you can explore your thoughts, feelings, and experiences. You'll have the opportunity to discuss your concerns, ask questions, and receive guidance and feedback from your therapist. Your therapist may use a variety of therapeutic techniques, such as talk therapy, cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT), mindfulness, or other therapies, depending on your needs and preferences.
Benefits of Counselling: Counselling can offer a range of benefits, including:
Increased Self-Awareness: Counselling can help you gain insight into your thoughts, feelings, and behaviours, leading to greater self-awareness and understanding.
Improved Coping Skills: Through counselling, you can develop practical strategies for managing stress, anxiety, depression, or other challenges.
Enhanced Relationships: Counselling can improve communication skills, empathy, and conflict resolution abilities, leading to healthier and more fulfilling relationships
Personal Growth: Counselling provides an opportunity for personal growth and transformation, empowering you to overcome obstacles and achieve your goals
Embarking on the journey of counselling can be a powerful step towards healing, growth, and self-discovery. By understanding what to expect from counselling and approaching the process with an open mind and heart, you can create a safe and supportive space for exploring your thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Remember, you're not alone on this journey—I am here to support and guide you every step of the way.
